We spend our lives believing that we are here to do something great. We keep aiming high. We have some goals which we wish to achieve. And in the process we lose the small pleasures of life. Whereas the greatest thing we could do while in this world is to keep ourselves happy as much as possible. And in the process of keeping ourselves happy we might as well improve the lives of a few more people around.
We should stop being such masochists and treat ourselves with a little more pleasures now and then. Life, after all is not that sad. And it really does not matter if we underperform in our life. Everybody does. I just wish I could have a lot to drink one of these days with very loud music and the comfort of one of those hostel rooms. Of course to start afresh the next day.
"Before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. ~Zen Buddhist Proverb".

Feeling like a monday

For the first 3 months I kept thinking that I am a loser. With a lot of difficulty, adjustment, acceptance I managed to keep going. It required crashing your ego and aspirations.
But as much as you curb these things, they come back at certain moments, and they come back with greater intensity. And all your balance is blown away.
You look back at what you have done. And you feel sorry for yourself. You feel like telling yourself what a loser you have been. And the problem is that no one can understand.
But then life moves on, you dont have any alternative. I suppose almost everybody achieves less than their aspirations and potential. Then why does it hurt so much. Specially why does it hurt when you hear about someone still fighting, and apparently achieving. I think ppl who do not realize the futility of these small achievements, who never aim high. And feel happy about their achievements. This is a better state than knowing that these small goals are not going to help. And then you think that maybe you are wrong.
Ppl who feel happy when they enter their first cubicle. Feel happy to join a big company. Not realizing that they dont mean anything to this world. They dont mean anything to themselves either. You keep hopping from one company to the next. You keep getting your hikes and your gifts. Its better to sit at home, write or paint or read and earn nothing at all but something to eat and drink. At least you have an identity.
I think its not the best way to think. Life will certainly show an opening. After all "Life finds its own way"
Monday showed some bad moments. I hope the rest of the week goes better. :(

"When Gods want to punish us they answer our prayers. "
Happiness is not a very good state of mind. First of all it is not a stable state. Second, if it is disturbed you always go down. Third you have nothing to wait for. You have what you want, and that is one of the biggest tragedies.
The journey as they say is always much more enjoyable than the destination.
When you are sad you have something to hope for. Just like when you dont have something you want it, you wait for it, you hope for it. But once you have it you dont appreciate it that much.
That is y when gods want to punish us they anwer our prayers.
Hope by the way is one of the best feelings. Hope/anticipation/waiting. Rob a man of anything but dont take away his hope, sometimes its the only thing one has.

Matrix mein ek bada chota sa concept tha of how you look at yourself in this world. You have a projected image of yourself in your head. With some physical and some beavioural attributes. And you behave in accordance with that image. Suupose you believe that you can't say no to anyone. Then you will try to behave consistently with that.

I just read that Einsteen and Newton were autistic. Why is it that all intelligent people do not have a normal brain. It does not feel good that Einstein was mentally not sound. And it raises a very serious doubt. Science(rationality) is just one of the ways to explain the world. And the various laws that we follow (as proposed by Einstein et al) are nothing but one of the many laws possible that the world fits into approximately. There could be other explanations as well.
So dont be too sure of all your physics.

"Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it." .... just like anything else. So if you really love doing something dont take it up as a profession.

Everybody hurts and everybody cries.

Did not know that the harsh reality of life, which sounded so sham once could be so harsh. We all have very stereotype emotions. Just when you think you can manage just fine, someone screws up the whole situation.
Handling your emotions is like making a house of cards balance. Anybody can topple the whole balancing act by a small push.
That is why it is important to be in full control of yourself. Be selfish, be independent. The more you love the more pain you get.

"I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain....
If I never loved I never would have cried....
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;...
I touch no one and no one touches me."

"When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on
Don’t let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes"

Music and Friendship

The process of liking a new song is quite similar to making a new friend. At first a new song is like a stranger walking on the road, and you remain aloof. Then you meet them through someone who introduces them to you. Or destiny (read: winamp's random algorithm) introduces them to you and you are in a receptive mood. You dont like them straight away. First you like something about them and you feel interested. You spend some more time together. You start liking each other more and more, and at one point of time when the relationship is at its peak you start liking everything about them, each little beat and each little nuances.
But soon the relationship starts decaying. You over-listen the song. You grow tired and weary of each other's company. You know you like that song but you dont want to meet him again. You have already enjoyed it to the fullest. And you know everything about them. You know you like that song. Its in your list of (at some point of time) favourites.

"Oscar Wilde : I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones."

p.s. : Its the time of the day after lunch that's responsible for such crap.

Achha khasa non-senti mode mein chal raha tha main. kaam bhi kar leta tha thoda bahut. Pata nahi wapas senti mode mein kyun aa gaya hoon.
Ab kaam karne ka bhi man nahi karta. Ek to ye sala lunch ke baad ka time kaafi deadly hota hai.
Waise to kabhi senti nahi hona chahiye. But kabhi hona bhi pade to abstract entities pe hi hona chahiye. Desh pe, Maths pe, bade safe aur cool options hote hain.
If you want to celebrate eternal love and romance, love your country. And this is what i call perfection, at this very moment the random winamp list decides to play Vande mataram.
You just hope sometimes that some moments could just freeze. Just go on and on. This is one such moment. There's somethings to wait for in this weekend. And the celebrations start tonight.
And I think we dont love anyone. We make various slots for various relationships. And we allow some people to take these slots. The identity of people themselves dont matter much. They are just placeholders.
For example we have a slot for some 5-6 close friends. And the people who hold these slots keep changing. We had a differnt set in school. Different set(s) in college. So finally we dont love people, we just love the concept of friendship that we have built.
Similarly with family. We love the fact that they are our parents. We dont actually love our parents because of what they are as human beings.
We love the closeness, the level of comfort we have with a friend. And friends come and friends go.
Friendship is important, Friends are not !!!!

And this is what generally people do. So there's nothing to feel bad about.
As for me, loser that I am, I'll just manage fine loving my country, loving the sciences, loving literature, loving music and loving coffee. I just need a comfortable home and someone around.
Amen.

Life mein do tareeke hote hain decide karne ke. Ek hota hai right/wrong aur doosra hota hai good/bad. good bad here strictly means in the personal/selfish manner. The first one is the way of justice, the second is a simple pain pleasure principle.
The whole conflict arises when we cannot decide which criterion should be applied. Do we want things to be good or do we want them to be right?
None of them can alone carry the essence of human decision making process.
Pain pleasure cannot be the sole deicder, because in that case social structure would simply collapse.
Justice has its problems as well. Many a times we see that courts of justice are completely incapable of doing actual justice. because they do not take into consideration human emotions. But then justice does not consider emotions because they cannot be quatntified. and no one can understand another persons emotions. kai baar to aadmi khud apne emotions nahi samajh pata. So emotions are factored out, and what remains are facts. But facts alone never tell the actual story. That is why you may find people who have actually committed murders and they do not have any guilt at all. Because their inner self knows the emotions behind the facts. And the inner justice does not hold them guilty.
And I still believe that this inner justice or conscience is the strongest thing that a man has.
Let this inner voice not betray us. Let this conscience ring a bell in us whenever we are wrong.

never be too sure

Never be too sure of yourself. Never believe that you are right. You might (most probably will) be wrong.
whatever follies you point out in everyone else might be present in you as well. its just that nobody pointed them out. and if they did you never believed.
We all look at this world with us as the centre of the universe. but have we ever tried to have a bird eye view of the situation? It's very difficult to take your perspective out of the scene. but that is the only way that you can do justice with yourself.
And it so happens that each and every person in this world has a picture of the world where he is never wrong and everyone else is. and there are some fortunate people who are not aware of this fact that everyone believes that he is perfect. and these fools actually think that they are perfect in the absolute picture as well. kya karein computer vision nahi karte log achhe se. perspective ke funde wahin se clear hote hain :P.
So anybody who knows that he can be wrong has solved half the puzzle. The rest is up to him. Just like someone who knows he is a loser is not a ccmplete loser anymore. Now whether he wants to fight back or decides to stay loser is a matter of choice and priorities. And yes, we do not doubt abilities here. But the problem is when someone does not know whether he is a loser. By the way we all are a bunch of losers.
And waise bhi its not the external reality that makes someone a loser. A man is loser inside his head. And there is no way anybody else can know whether I am a "loOser" or not. And if I were, I would be proud of it :D.