this is why i love oscar wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

Just a simple play on words, just a simple twist, and one line says it all.

To quote a little more :
"All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling." And I write with a genuine feeling so pardon me.
"Conscience and cowardice are really the same things. Conscience is the trade-name of the firm. That is all. "
"Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to. "
"If there was less sympathy in the world, there would be less trouble in the world. "
"One of the many lessons that one learns in prison is, that things are what they are and will be what they will be. "

The weekend is over

First and foremost, "Thinking is a dangerous habit".

"Ignorance is a bliss, Acceptance is another", and probably that is why children are happy and so are old people. Corresponding blisses applying. The middle-aged are always fighting the reality, never at peace with the external world.

Science is only as true as love. Science is an emotion. It is the pursuit of the rational inside you just as love is a pursuit of the irrational in a man. Love is an over-celebrated emotion. If you feel science srongly you will feel the same amount of pain/pleasure as with love.

My education and college life drew me away from my parents. I dont love my family as much as i loved them earlier. And this is the saddest part. But probably college is not to be blamed, it probably uncovered the actual emotions.
Everyday at least once I am incclined to believe that "Nobody loves noone". And then I try to prove otherwise, but this thought/belief comes back.
Also I broke a promise I made to myself. But that was a three year old promise and probably expired by now. But, that again is just an excuse.

And in the end, thinking is a very bad habbit, worse than smoking drinking, and a habbit that effects the brain graver than love itself.

In view that you have graduated from the institute, this is to inform you
that your account will be deleted on September 25, 2005.

This was not just a mail. It brought along a lot of sorrow. Yes it was very expected, in fact awaited.

Sometimes we behave in such stereotypical fashions. Its like we have been trained. This is a moment when you *should* be sad. So you become sad.
Similarly someone dies and you should be sad. But many times you just cannot find the emotion.
You search for it, but not finding it you end up faking it.
An enquiry into the emotion of love on the same lines. Take anyone you love. Do you love that person all the time. Or you love them some of the times. And the rest of the time you fake the emotion. Knowing that you love them overall so for times you dont feel that emotion fake it as a filler emotion.

Actually in this case, the declaration of the date is a little brutal. Its sounding like a sentence. Overall, now the situation seems hilarious to me. Only if I manage to retrieve all the data, that is. Otherwise it will be really tragic

Life finds its own way

It's days like these that make life in India worth it. You dont actually enjoy these times that much in the present. but its mainly because we have a general tendency to crib. Even during these times we find something to be sad about. But if you were out of the country, believe me, you would have probably sold your soul for such an evening.
Sitting next to a fountain, drinking beer with your friend, water sprinkling on your face. And its not just anyone else, but its someone unto whom you can actually disclose your ugliest pervertest dreams.
Being a little too senti for the mood.

Another thing, I promised myself the other day, that I will not dream anymore of things thinking I cant get them and actually get them. Enough of loser negative attitude. Its time to change things now.

So, to this promise and to this drunk week and to everyone around, and most importantly to that fountain(with a beer shop right in front) in Noida (yes you heard it right, even this city has something to boast of) Cheers !!

shit yaar kaise din aa gaye hain. ab peene ke baad sara outburst messengers ya blogs ke through nikalna padta hai.
damnit.. this is as bad as being out of the country, then why the hell did i believe that india is a better place to live. net to US mein bhi achha hi chalta hoga.

Actually, I am tired of this. There's always a tough decision to make. And it seems this is the last and the toughest. But then I read this :

beech majhdhar mein kashti per sawar
sehte hue kathor aandhiyon ka vaar
he prabhu! yeh kaisi hai pariksha ki ghadhi
moorkh! inhi paristhitiyon ka naam hai zindagi

This is what makes life interesting. Had it not been like this life would have been drudgery.
But its important to have a good attitude. You should not cry over what you did wrong. You should be able to laugh at your mistakes and say "that was a bad decision".

new week .. new plans

It starts again, the annual event, the eternal confusion. All you people are in danger. So run for your life. Start ignoring me from now on. Dont blame me i didnt warn you.

Ek naya bahut hi mast idea.. Kashmir mein rahoonga aur freelancing karoonga. ek laptop leke baitha rahoonga.

ya fir ye better hai 8 maheene yahan ek startup mein kaam karo. max kaam karo. fir use chhod ke chale jao. 4 maheene kashmir mein kuc arbit kaam karo .. maybe drivin mechanic, aur kuch nahi to freelancing hi. and then come back to join a new startup. if the older one denoes to take you back.
actually to kaafi achha plan hai. but india mein aise idea chalte nahi hain. :(

Boring

I have heard some people say that they are very boring people. And I believe that too, for myself that is ;). Waise mere ko bhi kaafi baar bola jaa chuka hai ki main bahut hi ghatiya aur boring aadmi hoon. But koi baat nahi I dont mind. I believe the purpose in life is to keep yourself entertained. Baaki aaspaas ke log bhi ho jayein entertain to achhi baat hai. But that is not my job.
I somehow think that deep down everybody is quite boring. But they have this mask over them which has been deveopled as a compulsive desire to entertain everybody around.
We grow up trying to entertain people around in school in an effort to earn more friends. Then adolescense trying to win girlfriends (OK i am talking about those normal ppl who study in co-ed schools and colleges).
Boring, wasnt it, well that is how it is. Interest, I reiterate (or recurse if you wish :D), like God is inside a man's heart.

Random thought

All this diagnosis and treatment that doctors do, its actually quite mechanised. there are very well written procedures. Ki pehle ye karo, fir iske fail hone ke baad wo karo.
Its quite like the bug fixing that we do. And its quite monotonous too. So medical profession is not as exciting as i expected it. Although I still believe a surgeon's profession, specially neuro or cardiac would be much more exciting, but thats something I dont know about.
And the similarity between diagnosis-treatment and bug fixing that I drew, it suffers from a lot of drawbacks which I would like to point out.
First human body was "written" by God.
Second the logic in the algorithms of doctors is much more fuzzy. And there is a scope for a lot of discretion.
Thirdly, the risk involved is much more. If you commit an error here, another bug will be filed and nobody dies. whereas on the medical side someone may die. Although, apparently somebody's dying does not affect the doctors as much as it does us.

Anyway everything is boring after some time. Interest, like God is inside a man's heart. People who look for it in their surroundings often disappoint themselves.

white noise

It just hit me that when we want to close our eyes, when we make the music loud, specially with earphones on, its really like the christopher of mark haddon shouting loud. cuttting away from the world. cutting off all his senses. to have a clear mind.
And this is called white noise. yesterday was he first time i truly understood what was meant by that. Although its music playing in your ears. But it does not matter. Anything loud will do. And its strange because you could as well be asleep. but somehow you dont want to sleep. you want to be awake, with nothing in your mind. maybe a little indignation. a little anger. but nothing else. and you dont want to see or hear or know that anyone is around.
Are we all mad or is it just me?

Q: we should not let anyone else govern our lives.
More importantly we should not allow anyone else to govern our emotions. at least not someone who does not deserve it. It would be like giving your car to someone who doesnt know how to drive. And you know we dont let anyone drive.

I think this is why we write - " It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them. "

aise kab tak chalega?

This has been the eternal question in my life in the last 3 months. I seem to ask myself the same thing quite often. "aise kab tak chalega yaar. kab tak aise hi time pass karenge". And everyone who is doing job these days will probably identify with this question. Because it seems like we are passing time.
Balki mere case mein to I am buying time. Its probably a complete inability to make firm decisions.
Started reading Zen again. Just too good. Although when the author condemns ppl for running away from technology, it seems a direct attack on me. and the fact that i dont ever want to install a software..or go deep into linux internals.

Right now in between 3 books...fine balance..psychoanalysis and Zen.

Kal mast uchhala...technocrap uchhal ke itna relaxed feel karte hain, its like we feel we have taken off all our load, its like humne is duniya se badla le liya. ek to 99% logon ke samajh mein nahi aaya jo humne uchhala and jinko samajh mein aa gaya unke saath to aur bhi bura hua :D

The concept of chautaqua is just too good. And so is the music of yahaan.

The day is going much better than what i expected. At least till now.

Just two little things
1. "Its passion that moves the world, but its love that makes it worth living. "

2. "All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.".
George Orwell should get a nobel prize for just this one line.

Weekend plans going down the drain again :D.

By far one of the best days in a long long time. And that is being reflected in the frustrations of the following day :D. And the lack of sleep to add to it.
Life is by default boring and sad, but there are some glorious and happy moments. It is these moments you remember for a long time. And this is exactly why the past seems so delightful.

I realized that its almost impossible to be certain about anything. specially important things. its kind of like the heisenberg's principle. but here one of the observation itself is the certainity in your mind. you try to decide whether you are certain about this or not. and you end up getting more uncertain. the more thought you give to it, the less certain it becomes. that is why you should follow your instincts/heart. But sometimes your heart and your instincts take you in different directions. in which case, close the topic and go to sleep. waise bhi retrospect mein everything is trivial and unimportant. .... to be continued.

A totally free day except one meeting. and all day at the comp again :(. Jin bechaaron ko aaj mujhse chat karni padi unko itna bore karne ke liye maafi maangni chahiye. bahut bolne ka man kar raha hai aaj. kaash koi hota jo sunta ye sab jiske saath main baith ke baat karta, better still beer pee ke baat karta.
It's for such situations that you blog. but there are somethings that you do not write. because by writing you commit to those thoughts. One of those situations when you feel you have a lot to say, but when you sit down to say something u feel blank.
And it is then that you digress. :D and so i will. Aise welle din bita ke aisa lagta hai ki i should write a book on "the art of doing nothing", i am growing better at doing nothing. mujhe sahi mein nahi yaad aa raha ki maine aakhri baar kisi kaam ko dhang se kab kara tha? GRE i guess.
I think I'm coming to the same old topics which always lead to serious depressing thoughts.

"She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes,
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies,
...She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you,
She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe you,
...She just changes her mind....
But she brings out the best and the worst you can be.
...she's always a woman to me."

maine notice kara hai ki aajkal main apni chats etc mein ":) " bahut use karne laga hoon. maybe because i m trying to happy despite the fucked up situation i am in. finally i m making an effort to be happy. state of acceptance :)

psychoanalysis is really nice. u get to think about your own thinking and your brain. and u feel stunned by its complex behaviour. waise isse mujhe outsider ka wo part bada yaad aata hai when mersault was in his cell and he was thinking abt his life, remembering things, and he said that give a man just one free day and he can live the rest of his life trapped in a cell just thinking and remembering. its simply amazing how much time we spend just thinking abt things, imagining things, hoping, desiring, remembering. i think our brain is the most special gift not because we made such good gadgets but because it keeps us so occupied.
and yes sigmund freud was not as sick as ppl assume him to be. in fact he was a man who understood the human brain more than anyone else. and specially the unconscious brain. and how those latent thoughts translate into superficial (censored) thoughts. that is exactly why we never know the real reason behind our actions. and also that is why we never understand/know our true emotions.
anyways its nice to have a confused state of mind, complex thoughts, keeps you occupied if nothing else. a man who has all figoured out has to actually work on his thoughts. but a confused man can keep (making a pretense of) thinking and thus get away without doing any work. exactly like in the industry you have to work, whereas in a research lab you have to just pretend to think.

outsider mein ek line aur thi which was baffling. usmein this mersault says that
"har aadmi kabhi na kabhi aise chahta hai ki wo jisse sabse zyada pyaar karta hai us insaan ki death ho jaye". Now this is completely incomprehensible.

A: yaar ye bandi tote hai.
Q: duniye mein arnd 6 billion log honge. unmein se lets say 3 billion bandiyan hain. 25% of which are between 18 and 35, the category jismein hum totappa dhoondte hain. unmein se lets say 30% tote hain. amounts to 25o million tote bandiyan. Then what is the point of saying ki YE bandi tote hai. when there are 25o million more tote bandiyan. and moreover if you demand 1 Rs from each tote bandi for the compliment then you can earn 25 lacs :D
:)) :))

btw another evening which demanded cheers to all those ... called friends. Thanks

agar mere andar thodi si bhi "self respect" hai ya fir main apni mental health se thoda bhi pyaar karta hoon to i should resign. this is the worst possible work.
and this bloody C++. is class se us class mein hi ghoomate raho. aisa lagta hai kisi sarkari office ke clerk ne banayi hai ye language.
its like nobody talks to the point here.
kaunsa variable kahan defined hai .. kahan use hoga .. virtual functions inherited functions.
and ye sab dekhte hue 15 files khul jayengi. fir aapke baap ki bhi aukaat nahi hogi ki aap kuch samajh sako. and mind you all this code was written by someone who has probably died (of shame? suicide after writing such code?)