Research

Around 10% researchers actually know what they are doing and why are they doing. The rest have found shelter in the success of those 10% to pass good time, work/not work on any thing they want to under the pretext of research. And moreover call themselves researchers.
Research is not research unless you have a passion from inside. A direction from your heart. Its not a phd degree. Its a direction in which you want to look for answers to questions which have troubled you all your life. You say at one point of time, enough, Now Iwill leave evrything that I am doing and get down to looking for these answers. You dont need a PhD for that. PhD is a subsequence of your quest and not the other way round. Although other way round is not possible, if you dont have the urge to find out before a PhD, you are not going to have it after that.
And it is because of the second category that we have such meaningless papers. What the hell are you going to achieve by reducing the complexity from O(n^1.5) to O(n^1.34). OK you have imroved the efficiency but you are still not close to the real problem. You are not at the base of the problem. It will have industrial importance. But that is not why reseachers work. Doing such a thing cannot satiate any researcher. And if you dont believe that 90% papers are crap, next time you look for papers, think about whether it would have satisfied you had you produced that. Research: Its not a paper printing press, its a thirst that needs to be satiated.
Socrates, Plato, Newton, these were the real researchers. They had a problem troubling them and they gave up their daily life to look for them.
Unless you have an urge, dont do it.

Tempted

Banta nahi hai life mein itni saari temptations hote hue kuch na karna. Kitna control kare koi. You want to eat something but then you think of all the calories and you tell yourself that this is not good for you. Aapke andar wala aadmi ladta rehta hai bachhon ki tarah but you have to be a grown up and control.
Then you want to smoke, same logic. Then you want to drink, same logic.
You dont want to work and you want to sleep. But you have unfinished work to do. What work can be more important than providing rest to your tired self. Lekin you resist that too.
Then there are other factors which make you resist other temptations, money and conscience being the prime spoilsports.
Why cant we enjoy life, the way we want to, following our heart. Why dont we give in to temptations. Why shouldnt I indulge and enjoy. Why do I have to be logical about things.

We spend our lives believing that we are here to do something great. We keep aiming high. We have some goals which we wish to achieve. And in the process we lose the small pleasures of life. Whereas the greatest thing we could do while in this world is to keep ourselves happy as much as possible. And in the process of keeping ourselves happy we might as well improve the lives of a few more people around.
We should stop being such masochists and treat ourselves with a little more pleasures now and then. Life, after all is not that sad. And it really does not matter if we underperform in our life. Everybody does. I just wish I could have a lot to drink one of these days with very loud music and the comfort of one of those hostel rooms. Of course to start afresh the next day.
"Before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. ~Zen Buddhist Proverb".

Feeling like a monday

For the first 3 months I kept thinking that I am a loser. With a lot of difficulty, adjustment, acceptance I managed to keep going. It required crashing your ego and aspirations.
But as much as you curb these things, they come back at certain moments, and they come back with greater intensity. And all your balance is blown away.
You look back at what you have done. And you feel sorry for yourself. You feel like telling yourself what a loser you have been. And the problem is that no one can understand.
But then life moves on, you dont have any alternative. I suppose almost everybody achieves less than their aspirations and potential. Then why does it hurt so much. Specially why does it hurt when you hear about someone still fighting, and apparently achieving. I think ppl who do not realize the futility of these small achievements, who never aim high. And feel happy about their achievements. This is a better state than knowing that these small goals are not going to help. And then you think that maybe you are wrong.
Ppl who feel happy when they enter their first cubicle. Feel happy to join a big company. Not realizing that they dont mean anything to this world. They dont mean anything to themselves either. You keep hopping from one company to the next. You keep getting your hikes and your gifts. Its better to sit at home, write or paint or read and earn nothing at all but something to eat and drink. At least you have an identity.
I think its not the best way to think. Life will certainly show an opening. After all "Life finds its own way"
Monday showed some bad moments. I hope the rest of the week goes better. :(

"When Gods want to punish us they answer our prayers. "
Happiness is not a very good state of mind. First of all it is not a stable state. Second, if it is disturbed you always go down. Third you have nothing to wait for. You have what you want, and that is one of the biggest tragedies.
The journey as they say is always much more enjoyable than the destination.
When you are sad you have something to hope for. Just like when you dont have something you want it, you wait for it, you hope for it. But once you have it you dont appreciate it that much.
That is y when gods want to punish us they anwer our prayers.
Hope by the way is one of the best feelings. Hope/anticipation/waiting. Rob a man of anything but dont take away his hope, sometimes its the only thing one has.

Matrix mein ek bada chota sa concept tha of how you look at yourself in this world. You have a projected image of yourself in your head. With some physical and some beavioural attributes. And you behave in accordance with that image. Suupose you believe that you can't say no to anyone. Then you will try to behave consistently with that.

I just read that Einsteen and Newton were autistic. Why is it that all intelligent people do not have a normal brain. It does not feel good that Einstein was mentally not sound. And it raises a very serious doubt. Science(rationality) is just one of the ways to explain the world. And the various laws that we follow (as proposed by Einstein et al) are nothing but one of the many laws possible that the world fits into approximately. There could be other explanations as well.
So dont be too sure of all your physics.

"Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it." .... just like anything else. So if you really love doing something dont take it up as a profession.

Everybody hurts and everybody cries.

Did not know that the harsh reality of life, which sounded so sham once could be so harsh. We all have very stereotype emotions. Just when you think you can manage just fine, someone screws up the whole situation.
Handling your emotions is like making a house of cards balance. Anybody can topple the whole balancing act by a small push.
That is why it is important to be in full control of yourself. Be selfish, be independent. The more you love the more pain you get.

"I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain....
If I never loved I never would have cried....
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;...
I touch no one and no one touches me."

"When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on
Don’t let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes"

Music and Friendship

The process of liking a new song is quite similar to making a new friend. At first a new song is like a stranger walking on the road, and you remain aloof. Then you meet them through someone who introduces them to you. Or destiny (read: winamp's random algorithm) introduces them to you and you are in a receptive mood. You dont like them straight away. First you like something about them and you feel interested. You spend some more time together. You start liking each other more and more, and at one point of time when the relationship is at its peak you start liking everything about them, each little beat and each little nuances.
But soon the relationship starts decaying. You over-listen the song. You grow tired and weary of each other's company. You know you like that song but you dont want to meet him again. You have already enjoyed it to the fullest. And you know everything about them. You know you like that song. Its in your list of (at some point of time) favourites.

"Oscar Wilde : I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones."

p.s. : Its the time of the day after lunch that's responsible for such crap.

Achha khasa non-senti mode mein chal raha tha main. kaam bhi kar leta tha thoda bahut. Pata nahi wapas senti mode mein kyun aa gaya hoon.
Ab kaam karne ka bhi man nahi karta. Ek to ye sala lunch ke baad ka time kaafi deadly hota hai.
Waise to kabhi senti nahi hona chahiye. But kabhi hona bhi pade to abstract entities pe hi hona chahiye. Desh pe, Maths pe, bade safe aur cool options hote hain.
If you want to celebrate eternal love and romance, love your country. And this is what i call perfection, at this very moment the random winamp list decides to play Vande mataram.
You just hope sometimes that some moments could just freeze. Just go on and on. This is one such moment. There's somethings to wait for in this weekend. And the celebrations start tonight.
And I think we dont love anyone. We make various slots for various relationships. And we allow some people to take these slots. The identity of people themselves dont matter much. They are just placeholders.
For example we have a slot for some 5-6 close friends. And the people who hold these slots keep changing. We had a differnt set in school. Different set(s) in college. So finally we dont love people, we just love the concept of friendship that we have built.
Similarly with family. We love the fact that they are our parents. We dont actually love our parents because of what they are as human beings.
We love the closeness, the level of comfort we have with a friend. And friends come and friends go.
Friendship is important, Friends are not !!!!

And this is what generally people do. So there's nothing to feel bad about.
As for me, loser that I am, I'll just manage fine loving my country, loving the sciences, loving literature, loving music and loving coffee. I just need a comfortable home and someone around.
Amen.

Life mein do tareeke hote hain decide karne ke. Ek hota hai right/wrong aur doosra hota hai good/bad. good bad here strictly means in the personal/selfish manner. The first one is the way of justice, the second is a simple pain pleasure principle.
The whole conflict arises when we cannot decide which criterion should be applied. Do we want things to be good or do we want them to be right?
None of them can alone carry the essence of human decision making process.
Pain pleasure cannot be the sole deicder, because in that case social structure would simply collapse.
Justice has its problems as well. Many a times we see that courts of justice are completely incapable of doing actual justice. because they do not take into consideration human emotions. But then justice does not consider emotions because they cannot be quatntified. and no one can understand another persons emotions. kai baar to aadmi khud apne emotions nahi samajh pata. So emotions are factored out, and what remains are facts. But facts alone never tell the actual story. That is why you may find people who have actually committed murders and they do not have any guilt at all. Because their inner self knows the emotions behind the facts. And the inner justice does not hold them guilty.
And I still believe that this inner justice or conscience is the strongest thing that a man has.
Let this inner voice not betray us. Let this conscience ring a bell in us whenever we are wrong.

never be too sure

Never be too sure of yourself. Never believe that you are right. You might (most probably will) be wrong.
whatever follies you point out in everyone else might be present in you as well. its just that nobody pointed them out. and if they did you never believed.
We all look at this world with us as the centre of the universe. but have we ever tried to have a bird eye view of the situation? It's very difficult to take your perspective out of the scene. but that is the only way that you can do justice with yourself.
And it so happens that each and every person in this world has a picture of the world where he is never wrong and everyone else is. and there are some fortunate people who are not aware of this fact that everyone believes that he is perfect. and these fools actually think that they are perfect in the absolute picture as well. kya karein computer vision nahi karte log achhe se. perspective ke funde wahin se clear hote hain :P.
So anybody who knows that he can be wrong has solved half the puzzle. The rest is up to him. Just like someone who knows he is a loser is not a ccmplete loser anymore. Now whether he wants to fight back or decides to stay loser is a matter of choice and priorities. And yes, we do not doubt abilities here. But the problem is when someone does not know whether he is a loser. By the way we all are a bunch of losers.
And waise bhi its not the external reality that makes someone a loser. A man is loser inside his head. And there is no way anybody else can know whether I am a "loOser" or not. And if I were, I would be proud of it :D.

this is why i love oscar wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

Just a simple play on words, just a simple twist, and one line says it all.

To quote a little more :
"All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling." And I write with a genuine feeling so pardon me.
"Conscience and cowardice are really the same things. Conscience is the trade-name of the firm. That is all. "
"Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to. "
"If there was less sympathy in the world, there would be less trouble in the world. "
"One of the many lessons that one learns in prison is, that things are what they are and will be what they will be. "

The weekend is over

First and foremost, "Thinking is a dangerous habit".

"Ignorance is a bliss, Acceptance is another", and probably that is why children are happy and so are old people. Corresponding blisses applying. The middle-aged are always fighting the reality, never at peace with the external world.

Science is only as true as love. Science is an emotion. It is the pursuit of the rational inside you just as love is a pursuit of the irrational in a man. Love is an over-celebrated emotion. If you feel science srongly you will feel the same amount of pain/pleasure as with love.

My education and college life drew me away from my parents. I dont love my family as much as i loved them earlier. And this is the saddest part. But probably college is not to be blamed, it probably uncovered the actual emotions.
Everyday at least once I am incclined to believe that "Nobody loves noone". And then I try to prove otherwise, but this thought/belief comes back.
Also I broke a promise I made to myself. But that was a three year old promise and probably expired by now. But, that again is just an excuse.

And in the end, thinking is a very bad habbit, worse than smoking drinking, and a habbit that effects the brain graver than love itself.

In view that you have graduated from the institute, this is to inform you
that your account will be deleted on September 25, 2005.

This was not just a mail. It brought along a lot of sorrow. Yes it was very expected, in fact awaited.

Sometimes we behave in such stereotypical fashions. Its like we have been trained. This is a moment when you *should* be sad. So you become sad.
Similarly someone dies and you should be sad. But many times you just cannot find the emotion.
You search for it, but not finding it you end up faking it.
An enquiry into the emotion of love on the same lines. Take anyone you love. Do you love that person all the time. Or you love them some of the times. And the rest of the time you fake the emotion. Knowing that you love them overall so for times you dont feel that emotion fake it as a filler emotion.

Actually in this case, the declaration of the date is a little brutal. Its sounding like a sentence. Overall, now the situation seems hilarious to me. Only if I manage to retrieve all the data, that is. Otherwise it will be really tragic

Life finds its own way

It's days like these that make life in India worth it. You dont actually enjoy these times that much in the present. but its mainly because we have a general tendency to crib. Even during these times we find something to be sad about. But if you were out of the country, believe me, you would have probably sold your soul for such an evening.
Sitting next to a fountain, drinking beer with your friend, water sprinkling on your face. And its not just anyone else, but its someone unto whom you can actually disclose your ugliest pervertest dreams.
Being a little too senti for the mood.

Another thing, I promised myself the other day, that I will not dream anymore of things thinking I cant get them and actually get them. Enough of loser negative attitude. Its time to change things now.

So, to this promise and to this drunk week and to everyone around, and most importantly to that fountain(with a beer shop right in front) in Noida (yes you heard it right, even this city has something to boast of) Cheers !!

shit yaar kaise din aa gaye hain. ab peene ke baad sara outburst messengers ya blogs ke through nikalna padta hai.
damnit.. this is as bad as being out of the country, then why the hell did i believe that india is a better place to live. net to US mein bhi achha hi chalta hoga.

Actually, I am tired of this. There's always a tough decision to make. And it seems this is the last and the toughest. But then I read this :

beech majhdhar mein kashti per sawar
sehte hue kathor aandhiyon ka vaar
he prabhu! yeh kaisi hai pariksha ki ghadhi
moorkh! inhi paristhitiyon ka naam hai zindagi

This is what makes life interesting. Had it not been like this life would have been drudgery.
But its important to have a good attitude. You should not cry over what you did wrong. You should be able to laugh at your mistakes and say "that was a bad decision".

new week .. new plans

It starts again, the annual event, the eternal confusion. All you people are in danger. So run for your life. Start ignoring me from now on. Dont blame me i didnt warn you.

Ek naya bahut hi mast idea.. Kashmir mein rahoonga aur freelancing karoonga. ek laptop leke baitha rahoonga.

ya fir ye better hai 8 maheene yahan ek startup mein kaam karo. max kaam karo. fir use chhod ke chale jao. 4 maheene kashmir mein kuc arbit kaam karo .. maybe drivin mechanic, aur kuch nahi to freelancing hi. and then come back to join a new startup. if the older one denoes to take you back.
actually to kaafi achha plan hai. but india mein aise idea chalte nahi hain. :(

Boring

I have heard some people say that they are very boring people. And I believe that too, for myself that is ;). Waise mere ko bhi kaafi baar bola jaa chuka hai ki main bahut hi ghatiya aur boring aadmi hoon. But koi baat nahi I dont mind. I believe the purpose in life is to keep yourself entertained. Baaki aaspaas ke log bhi ho jayein entertain to achhi baat hai. But that is not my job.
I somehow think that deep down everybody is quite boring. But they have this mask over them which has been deveopled as a compulsive desire to entertain everybody around.
We grow up trying to entertain people around in school in an effort to earn more friends. Then adolescense trying to win girlfriends (OK i am talking about those normal ppl who study in co-ed schools and colleges).
Boring, wasnt it, well that is how it is. Interest, I reiterate (or recurse if you wish :D), like God is inside a man's heart.

Random thought

All this diagnosis and treatment that doctors do, its actually quite mechanised. there are very well written procedures. Ki pehle ye karo, fir iske fail hone ke baad wo karo.
Its quite like the bug fixing that we do. And its quite monotonous too. So medical profession is not as exciting as i expected it. Although I still believe a surgeon's profession, specially neuro or cardiac would be much more exciting, but thats something I dont know about.
And the similarity between diagnosis-treatment and bug fixing that I drew, it suffers from a lot of drawbacks which I would like to point out.
First human body was "written" by God.
Second the logic in the algorithms of doctors is much more fuzzy. And there is a scope for a lot of discretion.
Thirdly, the risk involved is much more. If you commit an error here, another bug will be filed and nobody dies. whereas on the medical side someone may die. Although, apparently somebody's dying does not affect the doctors as much as it does us.

Anyway everything is boring after some time. Interest, like God is inside a man's heart. People who look for it in their surroundings often disappoint themselves.

white noise

It just hit me that when we want to close our eyes, when we make the music loud, specially with earphones on, its really like the christopher of mark haddon shouting loud. cuttting away from the world. cutting off all his senses. to have a clear mind.
And this is called white noise. yesterday was he first time i truly understood what was meant by that. Although its music playing in your ears. But it does not matter. Anything loud will do. And its strange because you could as well be asleep. but somehow you dont want to sleep. you want to be awake, with nothing in your mind. maybe a little indignation. a little anger. but nothing else. and you dont want to see or hear or know that anyone is around.
Are we all mad or is it just me?

Q: we should not let anyone else govern our lives.
More importantly we should not allow anyone else to govern our emotions. at least not someone who does not deserve it. It would be like giving your car to someone who doesnt know how to drive. And you know we dont let anyone drive.

I think this is why we write - " It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them. "

aise kab tak chalega?

This has been the eternal question in my life in the last 3 months. I seem to ask myself the same thing quite often. "aise kab tak chalega yaar. kab tak aise hi time pass karenge". And everyone who is doing job these days will probably identify with this question. Because it seems like we are passing time.
Balki mere case mein to I am buying time. Its probably a complete inability to make firm decisions.
Started reading Zen again. Just too good. Although when the author condemns ppl for running away from technology, it seems a direct attack on me. and the fact that i dont ever want to install a software..or go deep into linux internals.

Right now in between 3 books...fine balance..psychoanalysis and Zen.

Kal mast uchhala...technocrap uchhal ke itna relaxed feel karte hain, its like we feel we have taken off all our load, its like humne is duniya se badla le liya. ek to 99% logon ke samajh mein nahi aaya jo humne uchhala and jinko samajh mein aa gaya unke saath to aur bhi bura hua :D

The concept of chautaqua is just too good. And so is the music of yahaan.

The day is going much better than what i expected. At least till now.

Just two little things
1. "Its passion that moves the world, but its love that makes it worth living. "

2. "All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.".
George Orwell should get a nobel prize for just this one line.

Weekend plans going down the drain again :D.

By far one of the best days in a long long time. And that is being reflected in the frustrations of the following day :D. And the lack of sleep to add to it.
Life is by default boring and sad, but there are some glorious and happy moments. It is these moments you remember for a long time. And this is exactly why the past seems so delightful.

I realized that its almost impossible to be certain about anything. specially important things. its kind of like the heisenberg's principle. but here one of the observation itself is the certainity in your mind. you try to decide whether you are certain about this or not. and you end up getting more uncertain. the more thought you give to it, the less certain it becomes. that is why you should follow your instincts/heart. But sometimes your heart and your instincts take you in different directions. in which case, close the topic and go to sleep. waise bhi retrospect mein everything is trivial and unimportant. .... to be continued.

A totally free day except one meeting. and all day at the comp again :(. Jin bechaaron ko aaj mujhse chat karni padi unko itna bore karne ke liye maafi maangni chahiye. bahut bolne ka man kar raha hai aaj. kaash koi hota jo sunta ye sab jiske saath main baith ke baat karta, better still beer pee ke baat karta.
It's for such situations that you blog. but there are somethings that you do not write. because by writing you commit to those thoughts. One of those situations when you feel you have a lot to say, but when you sit down to say something u feel blank.
And it is then that you digress. :D and so i will. Aise welle din bita ke aisa lagta hai ki i should write a book on "the art of doing nothing", i am growing better at doing nothing. mujhe sahi mein nahi yaad aa raha ki maine aakhri baar kisi kaam ko dhang se kab kara tha? GRE i guess.
I think I'm coming to the same old topics which always lead to serious depressing thoughts.

"She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes,
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies,
...She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you,
She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe you,
...She just changes her mind....
But she brings out the best and the worst you can be.
...she's always a woman to me."

maine notice kara hai ki aajkal main apni chats etc mein ":) " bahut use karne laga hoon. maybe because i m trying to happy despite the fucked up situation i am in. finally i m making an effort to be happy. state of acceptance :)

psychoanalysis is really nice. u get to think about your own thinking and your brain. and u feel stunned by its complex behaviour. waise isse mujhe outsider ka wo part bada yaad aata hai when mersault was in his cell and he was thinking abt his life, remembering things, and he said that give a man just one free day and he can live the rest of his life trapped in a cell just thinking and remembering. its simply amazing how much time we spend just thinking abt things, imagining things, hoping, desiring, remembering. i think our brain is the most special gift not because we made such good gadgets but because it keeps us so occupied.
and yes sigmund freud was not as sick as ppl assume him to be. in fact he was a man who understood the human brain more than anyone else. and specially the unconscious brain. and how those latent thoughts translate into superficial (censored) thoughts. that is exactly why we never know the real reason behind our actions. and also that is why we never understand/know our true emotions.
anyways its nice to have a confused state of mind, complex thoughts, keeps you occupied if nothing else. a man who has all figoured out has to actually work on his thoughts. but a confused man can keep (making a pretense of) thinking and thus get away without doing any work. exactly like in the industry you have to work, whereas in a research lab you have to just pretend to think.

outsider mein ek line aur thi which was baffling. usmein this mersault says that
"har aadmi kabhi na kabhi aise chahta hai ki wo jisse sabse zyada pyaar karta hai us insaan ki death ho jaye". Now this is completely incomprehensible.

A: yaar ye bandi tote hai.
Q: duniye mein arnd 6 billion log honge. unmein se lets say 3 billion bandiyan hain. 25% of which are between 18 and 35, the category jismein hum totappa dhoondte hain. unmein se lets say 30% tote hain. amounts to 25o million tote bandiyan. Then what is the point of saying ki YE bandi tote hai. when there are 25o million more tote bandiyan. and moreover if you demand 1 Rs from each tote bandi for the compliment then you can earn 25 lacs :D
:)) :))

btw another evening which demanded cheers to all those ... called friends. Thanks

agar mere andar thodi si bhi "self respect" hai ya fir main apni mental health se thoda bhi pyaar karta hoon to i should resign. this is the worst possible work.
and this bloody C++. is class se us class mein hi ghoomate raho. aisa lagta hai kisi sarkari office ke clerk ne banayi hai ye language.
its like nobody talks to the point here.
kaunsa variable kahan defined hai .. kahan use hoga .. virtual functions inherited functions.
and ye sab dekhte hue 15 files khul jayengi. fir aapke baap ki bhi aukaat nahi hogi ki aap kuch samajh sako. and mind you all this code was written by someone who has probably died (of shame? suicide after writing such code?)

Conscience

There is (should be?) a strong sense of right or wrong within every person. Everything he does, he (should?) knows whether it is right or wrong. Right is what is consistent with his conscience, his beliefs.
It is this justice/rationality which makes us rational human beings. And more or less everybody has a common set of rights and wrongs. It is because of these common sense of right or wrong that makes us anticipate how others will behave as rational human beings.
But sometimes we have to abandon that justice within us for some reasons. Pleasure can be one such reason. I know that smoking is not good. But sometimes that sense of justice betrays me. And pleasure becomes a stronger force. Everybody has such weaknesses. But for a majority of our actions we should act responsibly/rationally/justly/righteously. We shouldn't be governed by lust/pleasure all the time. And most importantly while we abandon our innner justice, we should be aware that we are ignoring the voice of our conscience. That would build a sense of guilt within us. And when that guilt develops strong enough to overshadow tha pleasure, we come back to the road of righteousness.
All this preaching was done to maintain this sense of right or wrong within myself. Because when i look at ppl around me I sometimes feel that they are abandoning this inner voice. And it makes me sad when someone close does that. I wish I could stop them, but these things should come by themselves.

books?

What is so great about books like "chronicles of a death foretold"? They are plain fiction. travel reading stuff. They dont make you feel like waiting and thinking for a while. Just go on reading. There's a plot and, OK the description is very lucid and characters are very well drawn etc etc. Give them a nobel award for that but dont call it a great book. I know that doesnt make sense. But it will if you read books which make you want to wait while you are reading. Wait and reflect. Read back. Smile. Yes that is a good book.
To me chronicles of a death foretold and agatha christies, even sidney sheldon are in the same league. They do not provide food for thought. They just help pass some good time. And a good one among those is the one that you cannot put down.
And to appreciate books like chronicles of a death foretold they should be appreciated as books which were written with a good writing style. they were good books in their class. the author did a great job. Yes, teach them in a course of literature, so that ppl learn how to write well. And teach them how to write well and not to come up with a crap like this blog :)).
But dont call them good reading stuff. At least I wont. Why should I force my thinking upon everybody. After all there is this ubiquitous quantifier "I think that...". Which acts as a shield for me from people like smathur.
OK i stopped this time from digressing down to that incident of lions and crocodiles. (although it was really hard not to recount that).

sleeping and dreaming

Sometimes it feels how is it possible to shut out your sensory system and go to sleep. How can you voluntary turn everything off. It would be better that you keep doing something and drop off to sleep from exhaustion. Why is it that you have to choose to lie down and force yourself to shut your eyes. And then there are so many thoughts in your mind. How does one choose to stop thinking. If you keep thinking you cannot possibly go to sleep. Kayi baar bada impossible lagta hai sona.

Sone wagarah se yaad aaya... found this book in papa's medical books ... Lectures on psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud. :)) . Am reading it now. Already finished three lectures of Freud B-)

Also this weekend, when nanaji had that attack, i found out ki how much can I panic. I always believed that I would do good in crisis (Just like my father handles crisis). But I turned out to be more panicky like mummy, which by the way I always detested.

My brother nikhil was a lovely movie. Issues of homosexuality and aids very well and maturely handled. without the typical bollywood melodramatic scenes and dialogues. I always had a feeling that it would be a lovely movie. but everybody gave such bad reviews that i did not see it at that time. X(

sleeping pills

College mein lagta tha ki proff ka lecture was the most sleep inducing thing. But abhi abhi I have discovered the greatest sleeping pill.
Reading a code written by someone you dont know, doing something you have no idea about, and for a reason that you dont even give a damn.
Why God Why !!!!

" ...But Lord, during some of the worst times of my life I saw only one set of footprints in the sand. Where were you during those times? ....
Dear child, those were my footprints. I was carrying you..."

This is perhaps the only line that was about God and I didnt hate. I guess sometimes its not just the message but the beauty of writing that impresses you. Everytime I read these lines there's a smile on the face.

Also this line is one of the most beautiful lines I have ever read :

"We are as forlorn as children lost in the wood. When you stand in front of me and look at me, what do you know of the griefs that are in me and what do I know of yours. And if I were to cast myself down before you and tell you, what more would you know about me than you know about Hell when someone tells you it is hot and dreadful? For that reason alone we human beings ought to stand before one another as reverently, as reflectively, as lovingly, as we would before the entrance to Hell." -Franz Kafka

The imagery of hell used and the three adjectives used to describe, it's absolutely fantastic. And can be very very moving too if you are in a very sad mood. Its like somebody has impounded your heart with a very heavy hammer of words.

New friend list

I am bored of seeing the same set of people on my messenger list everyday. I want to change it. Half of them, I dont EVER talk to. And I am sure they wont ever talk to me either.

Friendship

Some people just dont deserve it. Rather there is "one class of people" that does not deserve it. They have absolutely no idea what it means. They only know what the other thing means.

Am happy after a long time. Happiness of "acceptance", of "hope", of "give up" and also of having some work.
"May your purse always hold a penny or two,
May your hands always have work to do."

Missing those old days and those very old friends. Specially rajat. Waiting for Dusshera. Us kutte ko kisi ladki se pyaar kaise ho sakta hai? Bore ho jayega ladki ke saath.

"When you love someone, you give him/her the power to hurt you, to make you sad/unhappy."
Mujhe lagta hai ki mujhe apne aap ko dukhi rakhne ke liye kisi aur ki zaroorat nahi hai. I can handle it prety well by my own. External help is always welcome though.

It was a happy and silent weekend. Sometimes its just great to have your loved ones around. No need to make things/conversation happen.

Its a new week, a new set of plans in life.

A good hearty laugh

Ever tried laughing loudly when feeling sad. I read a few jokes in a book store and had a loud hearty laugh. Did wonders for me.

Do you love me?
What do you think? I am doing push-ups?

Don't have sex, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

And yes, "I am one of the nicest people I know", honest.

Everybody has his share of happiness. Where is mine?
"It is very easy to sympathize with a firend's sorrow. But it takes a lot of character to be happy in a friend's joy." I will try. It seems hard though.
I need to study maths now :)

The end

This is the end, Beautiful friend
This is the end, My only friend, the end

But sometimes it's so bloody hard just to say goodbye. Everything has to end, whether you want to phase it out or rip it off that depends.

But you have to grow up. And I suppose growing up involves freeing yourself from the emotional cushion of friendship.
I have been trying but it doesnt seem possible. Even the thought makes you shiver sometimes. And you say, ok i'll give myself some more time. There's this concept of soma in everybody's life. and after a day's work you need your soma. what else will keep you going. Now for the first time in my life I understand the psyche of haveing a girlfriend. Till now it seemed so pointless and useless, pathetic, in fact.

Convocation, a time to celebrate

Had a hell of a time in the last 4-5 days.
Thursday night: supper factory, yadav's home.
fri admit card, rehearsal, dominos, GD, yadav's home,
sat convo, subhajit, tankooz, yadav's home
sun madagascar, zaika, ruby teusday, hfc, lab, comesum
mon dilli hat, ihc, angeethi, mocha.
tue : noida!!!!

Its like schooltime again. when you wait for summer vacations. and when they are over you are very very sad.
the last night is the toughest.
i dont think iit mein kabhi it was like that. ki kisi cheez ka itna intezaar raha ho. aur uske khatm hone ka itna dukh. it was a long 4 yrs vacation. and now it hurts to go back to school.
and havent cried like this ever before. any small incident would trigger it off. i had no idea i loved these bastards so much.

sunday, while going to comesum it was as if nothing had ever changed. it was still the 8th semester. but suddenly it struck that its not and things are very very different (read sadder).

Rendezvousa

Me: yaar samajh nahi aa raha kya karna chahiye. jo karna chaho wo kar dena chahiye bina soche ki baaki logon pe kya asar padega. ya duniya mein kisi ki fikr nahi karni chahiye and jo apne aap ko theek lagta hai wo karna chahiye..

K: yaar tu bolta bahut hai.

Me: yaar main tere ko apna dost samajhta hoon isliye bol deta hoon jo...

K: fir wohi, dost hoon isiliye to tujhe kam bolna chahiye. i know what you mean. aur ek baat boloon: tu darpok hai.

Me: darpok..as in, i dont think so.

K: tu ye doosre kya sochenge etc etc bahane banata hai. actually tu karna hi nahi chahta hai kuch.

Me: its easy for you to say, you dont think about the world. society is a complicated thing my friend. agar main bhi teri conditions mein hota to shayad freely jaise tu sochta hai waise hi sochta. aur life ko complicate nahi karna chahiye. keep it simple. i know its sad now, but its simple.

K: haan i understand. agar saari conditions perfect hotin to tu fod deta.

Me: you know what, we should not talk. we should sit silently together like two people madly in love.

K: I know that you know my importance in your life. I know you wouldnt even let me go. Because you think that someday you will resume our relationship. when your conditions will be 'perfect'.

Me: maybe. i want to i mean, but i hope you understand the situation.

K: tujhe pata hai na tu bahut badal gaya hai. aaj se 4 saal pehle tu meri tarah hi sochta tha. pichle 4 saalon mein tu mere se door rehne laga. kabhi tune mujhse baat hi nahi kari. mujhe wishwaas tha ki tu kahin bhi chala jaye tu nahi badlega. but i now think i was wrong. sab badal jaate hain. I think tu mujhse darta tha. sach nahi bolna chahta tha kabhi.

Me: chhod yaar its getting hot in here. baad mein baat karte hain. gtg now

K: haan i know you have to go. you always have to go. take care

Corporate world

Everything at these MNC's suck. Lets assume there is a company A. A is taking over M. Now M comes to A's campus for a talk about there company. There is a PA system in A which reminds you of the Big Brother. and the announcement summons you to the talk. And everybody starts moving. Before you ask anyone where they are going they have walked away following the sound of the Big Brother.
The people from M start with their 'presentation'. And they will tell you about how their company has grown. Their profit in 98-99 was 1.2M and then for the past 6 years they have had an exponential growth. The number of their customers is increasing etc etc. I mean can anything be as interesting as hearing the statistics of M's growth. And besides, the gentleman presnting me these wonderful stats has spent all his life in the States (I have no idea why do they call it states, dont we have some f*ing 27-28 states of our own, or are those fifty states the states for all the world). He is indian by coloUr. But he is too modest to speak in the language of his motherland. and why just language. copy all you can, why leave behind the bloody accent. bring it on. 300 F*ing ppl sitting and listening to a F*ing NRI speaking in the F*ing accent.
When I had entered the hall, I knew I had made a mistake. I shouldn'd have come here. I thought I would pay 50 Rs to get out. and then it was 100. and the rates were climbing the charts faster than A+M's growth rates combined. My boss was sitting in front of me. It was a tough decision. should I walk out in front of the whole crowd (which, by the way was totally mesmerised by the sexy NRI boasting about M's growth rates) and my boss. But sitting there, and I would have exploded. I walked out. This was the 12th time I did this. And I have a 100% strike rate. Every talk I have gone into I have walked out.
And everytime its some indian is talking in american accent. Do these ppl think that we like hearing american accent. when we are 400 indians listening why not make a person talk who can talk in indian english and switch to hindi in between.
But I guess there must be reasons. I have not seen the world. One day I will surely learn. And that day I will learn to sit through a complete talk and appreciate the growth rates. I hope I die before that day comes.

Is duniya mein do beemariyan bahut badh gayi hain jihone pain macha rakha hai. ek SMS aur ek pyaar.
aaj rajat ka sms aaya ki "mujhe pyaar ho gaya hai". to main kya karoon yaar. mera farz banta tha to maine phone kar liya. phone uthaya kutte ne ... aur kuch nahi bola. main hello hello karta raha. baad mein SMS aata hai ki "class mein hoon".
bloody hell. phone kyun uthaya tha. and moreover class mein hai to SMS kyun kara tha ki pyaar ho gaya hai.
sms sabke max mehnge hone chahiye. jinke sms saste hote hain wo doosron ki life mein pain machate hain. apni baat to bol lete hain fir tumko respond karna padta hai and tumko mehnga padta hai. moreover sms karna pain hota hai.
read a beautiful line in a fine balance. "flirting with madness is one thing, but when madness starts flirting with you its time to call off". :)
usmein this old woman was thinking abt her life and thinking ki what did she expect from her life when she was young. and now reality is poles apart from that. aise hi i think about my life and have a picture of how it will look in the next few years. But obviously its going to be totally different. sometimes u feel afraid of what is in store for you. lets say i have 5 possible directions of my life jinka abhi all i have is a very blurred vision. and i decide on one of them. it will be very painful to look back and think what would have happened had i taken the other path.
aajkal din thode kharaab chal rahe hain. friday ko rear view mirror toot gaya :(( saturday ko fir ek kutte ne bumper pe maar di. sunday ko mall road pe ek kutta(i mean literal kutta :)) ) saamne aa gaya.

Mornings are the best times. There is some kind of hope/happiness in the morning. Or maybe it is the happiness of Friday. I know it sounds ludicrous but when you are doing a job, typically one which you dont like then Friday is your idea of utopia.

Cell phones provide ease of communication. And you get used to it. Yesternight tried calling akshay rajat paraj and a few more friends but akshay's phone unavailable, paraj's switched off, rajat not answering. And it frustrates you when you cannot get through. Cell phones were made so that you can talk to anybody anytime right? And it adds to your worry when somebody's phone is not responding for a long time.

Started reading 'A fine Balance' by Rohinton Mistry. Did have a general disinclination for indian authors but Arundhati Roy and now Mistry have thankfully proved me wrong. Feels strange though when a character in the story that has been potrayed in bad light comes strikingly close to your life. And then you start finding dissimilarities.

kabhi kisi ko muqammal jahan nahi milta,
kabhi zameen to kabhi aasmaan nahi milta

Waiting for ...

1. Man gets used to everything. -Dostoyevsky
2. Man always finds a reason to be happy in the worst of conditions. -Camus
3. Man always believes that his present times are the hardest he will ever face.
4. Never rob a man of hope, sometimes it may be the only thing he has.

For the last few years I am telling myself, just a few more months, then it will be OK. I have no idea what I am waiting for to happen before 'everything will be alright'?
I have been avoiding a lot of work explaining that it does not matter or it is not challenging enough.
" According to Freud, the defense mechanisms are the method ... Denial means that someone will not (deliberately) admit to the truth. For example, a student may have received a bad grade on a report card but tells himself that grades don't matter. .... " -

Yeahh we'll shine like stars in the summer night,
We'll shine like stars in the winter night,
One Heart.
One Hope.
One Love.
With or without you

Here we start

I am very confused about my life from the last one year. After a lot of change in plans I am working in Noida now. Although I still wouldnt say that it was the best decision. So I again have a plethora of future plans about which I am confused.
I have always divided all factors into two broad categories, professional and personal. And I get confused which one should be given more weightage. hehe
Anyways that was a confused start.
These are some things that I really love:
CMU, FRIENDS, Computer Science..I will keep updating this, abhi kuch yaad nahi aa raha :D
And did I forget to mention that I want to be a geek. I always believe that I am a geek deep down inside. Also I believe that I am a workaholic. Nobody believes it though.
And lately I have fallen in love with Maths.
I also love music and I keep falling in love with lyrics of songs.
Presntly I love the lyrics of Romeo and Juliet - Dire Straits.

"...and you exploded in my heart"

"I can’t do everything but I’d do anything for you
I can’t do anything except be in love with you"
"And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be"

OK now I go back to my workaholism :D