Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Conscience

There is (should be?) a strong sense of right or wrong within every person. Everything he does, he (should?) knows whether it is right or wrong. Right is what is consistent with his conscience, his beliefs.
It is this justice/rationality which makes us rational human beings. And more or less everybody has a common set of rights and wrongs. It is because of these common sense of right or wrong that makes us anticipate how others will behave as rational human beings.
But sometimes we have to abandon that justice within us for some reasons. Pleasure can be one such reason. I know that smoking is not good. But sometimes that sense of justice betrays me. And pleasure becomes a stronger force. Everybody has such weaknesses. But for a majority of our actions we should act responsibly/rationally/justly/righteously. We shouldn't be governed by lust/pleasure all the time. And most importantly while we abandon our innner justice, we should be aware that we are ignoring the voice of our conscience. That would build a sense of guilt within us. And when that guilt develops strong enough to overshadow tha pleasure, we come back to the road of righteousness.
All this preaching was done to maintain this sense of right or wrong within myself. Because when i look at ppl around me I sometimes feel that they are abandoning this inner voice. And it makes me sad when someone close does that. I wish I could stop them, but these things should come by themselves.

Monday, August 29, 2005

books?

What is so great about books like "chronicles of a death foretold"? They are plain fiction. travel reading stuff. They dont make you feel like waiting and thinking for a while. Just go on reading. There's a plot and, OK the description is very lucid and characters are very well drawn etc etc. Give them a nobel award for that but dont call it a great book. I know that doesnt make sense. But it will if you read books which make you want to wait while you are reading. Wait and reflect. Read back. Smile. Yes that is a good book.
To me chronicles of a death foretold and agatha christies, even sidney sheldon are in the same league. They do not provide food for thought. They just help pass some good time. And a good one among those is the one that you cannot put down.
And to appreciate books like chronicles of a death foretold they should be appreciated as books which were written with a good writing style. they were good books in their class. the author did a great job. Yes, teach them in a course of literature, so that ppl learn how to write well. And teach them how to write well and not to come up with a crap like this blog :)).
But dont call them good reading stuff. At least I wont. Why should I force my thinking upon everybody. After all there is this ubiquitous quantifier "I think that...". Which acts as a shield for me from people like smathur.
OK i stopped this time from digressing down to that incident of lions and crocodiles. (although it was really hard not to recount that).

sleeping and dreaming

Sometimes it feels how is it possible to shut out your sensory system and go to sleep. How can you voluntary turn everything off. It would be better that you keep doing something and drop off to sleep from exhaustion. Why is it that you have to choose to lie down and force yourself to shut your eyes. And then there are so many thoughts in your mind. How does one choose to stop thinking. If you keep thinking you cannot possibly go to sleep. Kayi baar bada impossible lagta hai sona.

Sone wagarah se yaad aaya... found this book in papa's medical books ... Lectures on psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud. :)) . Am reading it now. Already finished three lectures of Freud B-)

Also this weekend, when nanaji had that attack, i found out ki how much can I panic. I always believed that I would do good in crisis (Just like my father handles crisis). But I turned out to be more panicky like mummy, which by the way I always detested.

My brother nikhil was a lovely movie. Issues of homosexuality and aids very well and maturely handled. without the typical bollywood melodramatic scenes and dialogues. I always had a feeling that it would be a lovely movie. but everybody gave such bad reviews that i did not see it at that time. X(

Thursday, August 25, 2005

sleeping pills

College mein lagta tha ki proff ka lecture was the most sleep inducing thing. But abhi abhi I have discovered the greatest sleeping pill.
Reading a code written by someone you dont know, doing something you have no idea about, and for a reason that you dont even give a damn.
Why God Why !!!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

" ...But Lord, during some of the worst times of my life I saw only one set of footprints in the sand. Where were you during those times? ....
Dear child, those were my footprints. I was carrying you..."

This is perhaps the only line that was about God and I didnt hate. I guess sometimes its not just the message but the beauty of writing that impresses you. Everytime I read these lines there's a smile on the face.

Also this line is one of the most beautiful lines I have ever read :

"We are as forlorn as children lost in the wood. When you stand in front of me and look at me, what do you know of the griefs that are in me and what do I know of yours. And if I were to cast myself down before you and tell you, what more would you know about me than you know about Hell when someone tells you it is hot and dreadful? For that reason alone we human beings ought to stand before one another as reverently, as reflectively, as lovingly, as we would before the entrance to Hell." -Franz Kafka

The imagery of hell used and the three adjectives used to describe, it's absolutely fantastic. And can be very very moving too if you are in a very sad mood. Its like somebody has impounded your heart with a very heavy hammer of words.

New friend list

I am bored of seeing the same set of people on my messenger list everyday. I want to change it. Half of them, I dont EVER talk to. And I am sure they wont ever talk to me either.

Friendship

Some people just dont deserve it. Rather there is "one class of people" that does not deserve it. They have absolutely no idea what it means. They only know what the other thing means.

Am happy after a long time. Happiness of "acceptance", of "hope", of "give up" and also of having some work.
"May your purse always hold a penny or two,
May your hands always have work to do."

Missing those old days and those very old friends. Specially rajat. Waiting for Dusshera. Us kutte ko kisi ladki se pyaar kaise ho sakta hai? Bore ho jayega ladki ke saath.

Monday, August 22, 2005

"When you love someone, you give him/her the power to hurt you, to make you sad/unhappy."
Mujhe lagta hai ki mujhe apne aap ko dukhi rakhne ke liye kisi aur ki zaroorat nahi hai. I can handle it prety well by my own. External help is always welcome though.

It was a happy and silent weekend. Sometimes its just great to have your loved ones around. No need to make things/conversation happen.

Its a new week, a new set of plans in life.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

A good hearty laugh

Ever tried laughing loudly when feeling sad. I read a few jokes in a book store and had a loud hearty laugh. Did wonders for me.

Do you love me?
What do you think? I am doing push-ups?

Don't have sex, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

And yes, "I am one of the nicest people I know", honest.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Everybody has his share of happiness. Where is mine?
"It is very easy to sympathize with a firend's sorrow. But it takes a lot of character to be happy in a friend's joy." I will try. It seems hard though.
I need to study maths now :)

Monday, August 15, 2005

The end

This is the end, Beautiful friend
This is the end, My only friend, the end

But sometimes it's so bloody hard just to say goodbye. Everything has to end, whether you want to phase it out or rip it off that depends.

But you have to grow up. And I suppose growing up involves freeing yourself from the emotional cushion of friendship.
I have been trying but it doesnt seem possible. Even the thought makes you shiver sometimes. And you say, ok i'll give myself some more time. There's this concept of soma in everybody's life. and after a day's work you need your soma. what else will keep you going. Now for the first time in my life I understand the psyche of haveing a girlfriend. Till now it seemed so pointless and useless, pathetic, in fact.

Convocation, a time to celebrate

Had a hell of a time in the last 4-5 days.
Thursday night: supper factory, yadav's home.
fri admit card, rehearsal, dominos, GD, yadav's home,
sat convo, subhajit, tankooz, yadav's home
sun madagascar, zaika, ruby teusday, hfc, lab, comesum
mon dilli hat, ihc, angeethi, mocha.
tue : noida!!!!

Its like schooltime again. when you wait for summer vacations. and when they are over you are very very sad.
the last night is the toughest.
i dont think iit mein kabhi it was like that. ki kisi cheez ka itna intezaar raha ho. aur uske khatm hone ka itna dukh. it was a long 4 yrs vacation. and now it hurts to go back to school.
and havent cried like this ever before. any small incident would trigger it off. i had no idea i loved these bastards so much.

sunday, while going to comesum it was as if nothing had ever changed. it was still the 8th semester. but suddenly it struck that its not and things are very very different (read sadder).

Monday, August 08, 2005

Rendezvousa

Me: yaar samajh nahi aa raha kya karna chahiye. jo karna chaho wo kar dena chahiye bina soche ki baaki logon pe kya asar padega. ya duniya mein kisi ki fikr nahi karni chahiye and jo apne aap ko theek lagta hai wo karna chahiye..

K: yaar tu bolta bahut hai.

Me: yaar main tere ko apna dost samajhta hoon isliye bol deta hoon jo...

K: fir wohi, dost hoon isiliye to tujhe kam bolna chahiye. i know what you mean. aur ek baat boloon: tu darpok hai.

Me: darpok..as in, i dont think so.

K: tu ye doosre kya sochenge etc etc bahane banata hai. actually tu karna hi nahi chahta hai kuch.

Me: its easy for you to say, you dont think about the world. society is a complicated thing my friend. agar main bhi teri conditions mein hota to shayad freely jaise tu sochta hai waise hi sochta. aur life ko complicate nahi karna chahiye. keep it simple. i know its sad now, but its simple.

K: haan i understand. agar saari conditions perfect hotin to tu fod deta.

Me: you know what, we should not talk. we should sit silently together like two people madly in love.

K: I know that you know my importance in your life. I know you wouldnt even let me go. Because you think that someday you will resume our relationship. when your conditions will be 'perfect'.

Me: maybe. i want to i mean, but i hope you understand the situation.

K: tujhe pata hai na tu bahut badal gaya hai. aaj se 4 saal pehle tu meri tarah hi sochta tha. pichle 4 saalon mein tu mere se door rehne laga. kabhi tune mujhse baat hi nahi kari. mujhe wishwaas tha ki tu kahin bhi chala jaye tu nahi badlega. but i now think i was wrong. sab badal jaate hain. I think tu mujhse darta tha. sach nahi bolna chahta tha kabhi.

Me: chhod yaar its getting hot in here. baad mein baat karte hain. gtg now

K: haan i know you have to go. you always have to go. take care

Corporate world

Everything at these MNC's suck. Lets assume there is a company A. A is taking over M. Now M comes to A's campus for a talk about there company. There is a PA system in A which reminds you of the Big Brother. and the announcement summons you to the talk. And everybody starts moving. Before you ask anyone where they are going they have walked away following the sound of the Big Brother.
The people from M start with their 'presentation'. And they will tell you about how their company has grown. Their profit in 98-99 was 1.2M and then for the past 6 years they have had an exponential growth. The number of their customers is increasing etc etc. I mean can anything be as interesting as hearing the statistics of M's growth. And besides, the gentleman presnting me these wonderful stats has spent all his life in the States (I have no idea why do they call it states, dont we have some f*ing 27-28 states of our own, or are those fifty states the states for all the world). He is indian by coloUr. But he is too modest to speak in the language of his motherland. and why just language. copy all you can, why leave behind the bloody accent. bring it on. 300 F*ing ppl sitting and listening to a F*ing NRI speaking in the F*ing accent.
When I had entered the hall, I knew I had made a mistake. I shouldn'd have come here. I thought I would pay 50 Rs to get out. and then it was 100. and the rates were climbing the charts faster than A+M's growth rates combined. My boss was sitting in front of me. It was a tough decision. should I walk out in front of the whole crowd (which, by the way was totally mesmerised by the sexy NRI boasting about M's growth rates) and my boss. But sitting there, and I would have exploded. I walked out. This was the 12th time I did this. And I have a 100% strike rate. Every talk I have gone into I have walked out.
And everytime its some indian is talking in american accent. Do these ppl think that we like hearing american accent. when we are 400 indians listening why not make a person talk who can talk in indian english and switch to hindi in between.
But I guess there must be reasons. I have not seen the world. One day I will surely learn. And that day I will learn to sit through a complete talk and appreciate the growth rates. I hope I die before that day comes.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Is duniya mein do beemariyan bahut badh gayi hain jihone pain macha rakha hai. ek SMS aur ek pyaar.
aaj rajat ka sms aaya ki "mujhe pyaar ho gaya hai". to main kya karoon yaar. mera farz banta tha to maine phone kar liya. phone uthaya kutte ne ... aur kuch nahi bola. main hello hello karta raha. baad mein SMS aata hai ki "class mein hoon".
bloody hell. phone kyun uthaya tha. and moreover class mein hai to SMS kyun kara tha ki pyaar ho gaya hai.
sms sabke max mehnge hone chahiye. jinke sms saste hote hain wo doosron ki life mein pain machate hain. apni baat to bol lete hain fir tumko respond karna padta hai and tumko mehnga padta hai. moreover sms karna pain hota hai.
read a beautiful line in a fine balance. "flirting with madness is one thing, but when madness starts flirting with you its time to call off". :)
usmein this old woman was thinking abt her life and thinking ki what did she expect from her life when she was young. and now reality is poles apart from that. aise hi i think about my life and have a picture of how it will look in the next few years. But obviously its going to be totally different. sometimes u feel afraid of what is in store for you. lets say i have 5 possible directions of my life jinka abhi all i have is a very blurred vision. and i decide on one of them. it will be very painful to look back and think what would have happened had i taken the other path.
aajkal din thode kharaab chal rahe hain. friday ko rear view mirror toot gaya :(( saturday ko fir ek kutte ne bumper pe maar di. sunday ko mall road pe ek kutta(i mean literal kutta :)) ) saamne aa gaya.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Mornings are the best times. There is some kind of hope/happiness in the morning. Or maybe it is the happiness of Friday. I know it sounds ludicrous but when you are doing a job, typically one which you dont like then Friday is your idea of utopia.

Cell phones provide ease of communication. And you get used to it. Yesternight tried calling akshay rajat paraj and a few more friends but akshay's phone unavailable, paraj's switched off, rajat not answering. And it frustrates you when you cannot get through. Cell phones were made so that you can talk to anybody anytime right? And it adds to your worry when somebody's phone is not responding for a long time.

Started reading 'A fine Balance' by Rohinton Mistry. Did have a general disinclination for indian authors but Arundhati Roy and now Mistry have thankfully proved me wrong. Feels strange though when a character in the story that has been potrayed in bad light comes strikingly close to your life. And then you start finding dissimilarities.

kabhi kisi ko muqammal jahan nahi milta,
kabhi zameen to kabhi aasmaan nahi milta

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Waiting for ...

1. Man gets used to everything. -Dostoyevsky
2. Man always finds a reason to be happy in the worst of conditions. -Camus
3. Man always believes that his present times are the hardest he will ever face.
4. Never rob a man of hope, sometimes it may be the only thing he has.

For the last few years I am telling myself, just a few more months, then it will be OK. I have no idea what I am waiting for to happen before 'everything will be alright'?
I have been avoiding a lot of work explaining that it does not matter or it is not challenging enough.
" According to Freud, the defense mechanisms are the method ... Denial means that someone will not (deliberately) admit to the truth. For example, a student may have received a bad grade on a report card but tells himself that grades don't matter. .... " -

Yeahh we'll shine like stars in the summer night,
We'll shine like stars in the winter night,
One Heart.
One Hope.
One Love.
With or without you